Being a Social Outcast

I have always been that weird misunderstood kid growing up. I grew up being an outsider. I have always been introverted. People always tell me I need to do things that would "get me out of my shell". But between being bullied and "being the quiet, smart, kid. Every time I tried to come "out of my shell" something always happened and I ran back to where I was "in my shell" except each time I got sent packing back into my shell, the walls grew higher and my anti social behavior started. Me being anti social and becoming an outcast or the nerd as it was so nicely put started due to me being bullied and being turned away by people and family. I thought it would get better once I got my first job, but once I started learning about the "human condition", I at times did not want to be in the world anymore. My visits to the comic book shops was a start in the positive direction until all of that turned its back on me. I found some peace in my local music store and the music I was listening to at that time. Once I got to college and begged my parents to stay at the dorms, my social skills got a little better, I found some friends and became a Christian, and I also learned about being internet savvy and being in chat rooms. But once I got out of college and back to my old routines and started going to a normal church and dating what was supposed to be a "Christian woman", that situation ran me back into my shell and seeing what turned out not to be a decent church body. After that I went to 3 other churches and I could not find another christian home. So I became an "at home" Christian and then I became an agnostic and then an Atheist. When I was married to what was supposed to be another Christain woman after that is when I became an Agnostic, I no longer believed in the church body but I did still believe in God. But as I said every time I tried coming out of my shell, things made me run back into my shell but the walls grew higher and the "shell" became an overly secure fort that I hardly let no one in.

So now at 37 years old, my introverted, anti social behavior, has gotten worse sometimes at the point of social anxiety. There are no like minded people in my community. Once I leave the house I have to put on my "mask" and there are some days I do not even put it on. My current working environment does not help matters. People's attitudes are getting worse and they all think they are "entitled" . I have become such an outcast in my own community when I am at places like Walmart I always get a weird look. It does not bother me.

This is why I have more online friends compared to "real life" friends. My online friends are more accepting of me. Even though most of them have never met me in person.

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