This is the first time I have cracked open this blog since April. To be honest I let this blog go andI feel like that some of the posts that I did on this blog were not totally me. Yes I did write a few just to post something to keep my audience coming even though it was a load of crap. This blog was like everything else I have had going on in my life, it was something new to me and this was to be my outlet to express myself. And then I let it burn me out and the popularity of this blog at the time scared me and so I wrote alot of the posts just to make a post to keep up with the growth of this blog, and then I just stuffed in a hole somewhere and forgotten it.
That is what I am wanting to in my real life. I recently went out with a young lady, and she did like everyone else "killed the gentleman". I feel like I am not a hard person to get along with. I am just very broken and I have let anger and fear drive me. I am one of those types of people that are so scared to let anyone in because of how people have treated me. I let her in and like 2 out of three of her predecessors she basically destroyed and ruined me some more. Plus this week I tried to bring an old friend back in my life and that person basically said no. And that hurt alot and that added to my suffering this week. I have been also hunting another job and that has not gone well either to the point I stupidly went back to my weekend job because of being fearful and everyone telling me no. So my self worth and feeling like I do not belong basically hit rock bottom. So I told people I was going to run back into my emotional "hole" and of course that scared alot of people, but I think it angered a few too.
People want me to live my life and let go of things. It is hard to live a life when you are used to being alone. I have friends and they are great to me and I appreciate all of them, but they are all online friends.
I am a man of many burdens and I have tried to let go of these burdens. Like this blog was supposed to be my outlet for how I feel. I do not have an outlet, because in my real life no one understands.
On a final note again thank you to all of my friends that have my back and I am sorry that I am not the easiest person to give advice to, but I appreciate it.
Mortis.
