Made One Decision (Pondering Life Follow-up)

To my readers,

Thank you for the support of this blog. Please continue to like and comment and share if you have friends that might be interested in reading what I have to say.

So this is a Pondering life follow up.

After several weeks of sleepless nights and stress and thinking about how mad the entire world would be at me. I changed majors at my college today. Yes I know for those of you that know I was this semester and summer from graduating. I had been debating changing majors for awhile. I was just scared to. But then me and Healthcare Statistics met and it whooped me and math is not my strongest suite. So as of Summer 2014 will be starting over and working on my Associate's in Computer Support Specialist. I am a little scared about changing majors but besides statistics, there were other reasons for this decision. I had talked to others on LinkedIn and they all said well you will have to do allot of volunteering to get the experience you need to get a job. So that would mean I would have to volunteer and NOT GET PAID and still have to work my shitty ass little job. OH HELL NO!!!I could not see me traveling all over the place and volunteer for about 2 YEARS IF NOT LONGER just for fucking experience. Not worth it.

My new degree is computer related and if I get skilled enough I can work on computers at home, hopefully. And maybe get a job quicker I hope. Plus there is not a statistic class involved. I might have to actually drive to a class or two but that will be ok too. I made a change and went for it and I hope that it does not burn me in the ASS in the long run.

I was hoping to keep going to classes but since I waited so long to do this I now have to sit out the rest of this semester and start fresh in the summer. I needed this break maybe.

*Like, Comment and Share* I really appreciate it.

Pondering Life....Part Two

So as I sit here after another long day at work.I have written 2 blogs and I did not plan to write a third, but I am writing it anyway. For those of you who know me or if you are a regular reader/follower I do not sleep much. I am a nocturnal person. I have also discovered over the years that for some reason I am usually more productive when I am either running on caffeine, or running on anger. Yes I know sleep deprivation is bad for you and running on anger just makes matters worse. I have never really run on any other emotion except for anger or sadness or I just flat out refuse to feel.

I have run on sadness and anger most of my life. Happiness has always been a faked feeling to me. I have always had to force it. When I am on a sad trip or journey whichever you want to call it. I really want to be left alone. And when I was in Middle School and some of High School I ran on sadness to numb how I was feeling at the time. Now running on anger is a whole different story. When I am at that point its basically get the hell out of my way and I can (or used to be) a tyrant to be around. I can only take so much before I fucking explode.

So now why I am writing this after the previous two paragraphs. I am at a cross road again in my life and it is as usual mostly due to my current job. But I do not run on either sadness or anger. I just exist. I guess the fight in me has been killed but once again another job has painted me into a corner, but instead of being angry about it and the "damn it I am going to take it out on everybody". It is more of this I do not care nonchalant feeling. I hate being pushed into a corner again but the only thing that remains from running angry is that little horrible word that no one wants to hear out of my mouth, "REVENGE". I tend to scare people when I am plotting, but this time I want to make people feel like I have felt the past 3 years. Why is it always the good employee who always gets bashed and walked on for something that is or never was there fault. To be honest I just "shut down" after the way I was treated after the robbery attempt. Between that and a "leader" who has not done his job since day one and just neglected the whole situation. So now he thinks he is going to "break me" and/or demote me. I am already broken. I have been broken for awhile, and demoting me is only going to make things worse for others not me. My body is already broken one because of my age (36) and two all of the falling, stress, and just life in general. When you work a job where expectations are just ridiculous and the people you work with are not of that quality of employee then it puts a burden on you and when John and Jane Q. Public suffer from retail entitlement and want to complain about every little damn thing in the world then that adds more pressure and I am just at that point again where I am no longer feeling the job. So once again the job is out to try and destroy me and what little bit of lively hood I have (which that and my self esteem is a big fat 0), and I am already destroyed. I suffer from social anxiety and it has gotten so bad I do not want to leave the house. I used to not be that way but all of what I have survived and been through has just ruined me as a person. My second job I once had proved how big a mess I am. So now I am pondering job wise what I want to do now......

 

Deconversion Part Two

Deconversion: The loss of faith in a given religion and return to a previously held religion or non-religion (typically atheism, agnosticism, or rationalism).

Part Two of My Story:

So 5 years has passed and its now 2004. I am still debating my faith in the "Christian God". I have totally turned my back on my church attendance. I have not opened my Bible since my mom "violated" my space and all of my Christian music is in a Cd case not seeing the light of day again. My girlfriend from 1999 had shaken my confidence in finding another Christian girl. Visiting other churches no longer felt right. I had lost my spiritual home due to a relationship failing and seeing "Christian bigotry". But what put the nail in the proverbial coffin was the sudden and unexpected passing of my Grandfather due to Cancer. I was in shock and angry. I was angry at the doctors for not doing more and I was more mad at "God" because my Grandfather was very loyal to his faith. As I said before he was an elder and a Bible scholar and taught Bible study. Yes I know the whole "God called him home" theory, but what totally drove me away was the whole God is not supposed to let his beloved followers suffer and my Grandfather was loyal and he basically fucking suffered even though it was a very quick spreading cancer, I felt God betrayed him. So I walked away from being religious and no longer believing in the "Christian God". I returned to my Gothic roots. I went back to listening to Gothic music. I went back to my dark lonely ways. Its been now 10 years since I made this decision, and I have had no regrets about it. Yes I have to lie to people about my beliefs and yes I have to tolerate my family especially my parents since they have returned to being full time Bible thumpers. And thanks to Dish Network I have to tolerate at least 5 channels of religious crap and upset my mom when I get tired of watching it and leave. I can only tolerate so much of John Hague (spelling), Jewish Jesus, and the like. And in my line of work it is funny to me how they act in public fussing about how if you bring a huge group in that we have to charge a 15% gratuity, and only leave the server a $2-$4 tip and leave little books saying "God loves you", but he gets 10% before anybody else. Or worse you are a minister or a minister's wife and you act a fool because you don't get treated a certain way. I never understand why Christian people feel so damn oppressed. And why Christians don't walk away from ministers like Jimmy Swagger, the Bakers, or when you all find out what the founder of TBN has truly been doing with all of your donations. John Hague makes me mad for claiming that Atheists should just pack up and move away from America, and either a Senator or minister wants Satanists shot.

But that is the world we live in.

And this the end of my story of walking away from Christianity and being deconverted.

*Comment, like, or follow*

Remembering Windows XP

Dear Readers/Friends:

We are all gathered here to remember Windows XP who was declared dead last week due to being obsolete and no longer needed in our computer lives. It was a great operating system that despite its flaws did what it was intended to do. So let us celebrate and remember this operating system. 

Windows XP is preceded in death by its brothers Windows 3.1, Windows 95, and Windows 98. It is survived by Windows 7 and 8 and the red headed step child Windows Vista. So thanks to this passing into obsoletetion we the users of Windows XP will either have to upgrade to another operating system or pray to the computer gods that our computer does not crash anytime soon since independent computer repair people are going to charge an outrageous price to fix it. 

I personally will probably get another computer and run Windows 7. I will keep my current computer until I can find a nicer computer or get a laptop I am not sure what I will do. I know Microsoft is slowly cutting off Windows XP users from various things like office 365 email and IE 8 will become totally useless sometime this year too. I am not looking forward to the money I am about to have to spend to upgrade. But as the saying goes all good things must come to an end. This is a perfect example. 

Deconversion Part One

Deconversion: The loss of faith in a given religion and return to a previously held religion or non-religion (typically atheism, agnosticism, or rationalism).

This is my story.....

I have not told many people this story about me, but I am going to write this anyway.

I was once a Christian a long time ago. When I was in college back in the mid-90's I had made some friends and I had joined the local Baptist Student Union. I grew up in a light Christian home which meant we believed in God worshiped him in our own way at home but we never went to a church on Sunday. We would listen to it on the radio or watch it on TV. My Grandparents were the die hard Christian soldiers my Grandfather was a Bible scholar and taught Sunday school and what not he might of been an Elder if the church they attended believed in that system. I joined the BSU and was an active member and we all hung out and studied school and I would go to different churches in the area of the college I went to. I had a small old bible that was given to me when I was younger and I took it on a church trip and all of my friends had big nice bibles with all the trimmings. The trip was 2 days of deep study and bonding with your fellow Christians and that day I thought I had found myself and thought I was forgiven by God and all the things that a "saved" Christian did. We came back from that trip and I thought I had found a little more of myself and was excited. So the next night after our trip the group had gotten together and had bought me a really nice and probably expensive Bible. I had actually felt like I belonged and was building a close knit friendship.

So after I got out of college I started attending church twice a week, went to Sunday school, meet old friends and made someone new ones. I even met my first girlfriend there. Well she was a Christian girl and I thought all would work out, but as the saying goes she was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Our relationship had its ups and downs but it had more downs. As a result of all the downs my mother broke what I was taught as a silent rule that you do not go into another's Bible and mark or write it in which she did. So after a year I ended with the girl I was seeing and it was hard to use that Bible again after what my mother had done. I looked at my bible as I was taught in church and by my Grandfather as my sacred space. So I basically felt like my mother had vandalized my Bible. Since that day I have not opened or looked at my bible and its been 15 years. After I ended with the girl I left the church I had attended and I went to 3 other churches but none of them felt right none of them felt like a positive place. So I did not go back to any church service after that, I have never opened my bible and I quit listening to the Christian music. I returned to my Gothicness and I tolerated my family's religious ways and I got dragged to an occasional church function at my Grandparent's church. Those few times I went to their church I saw what a bigoted, only go to church to be seen, Christian, never the "my god is an awesome god" Christian.

It was in 1999 that my path to deconversion started I began to turn my back on all of the teachings because I just could not believe what I had seen or gone through. It would be a long walk for 5 years with me battling my faith in the Christian God and the belief in the church system, but it was one event in 2004 that totally destroyed my faith in the Christian God. One event that made me return to my Gothic roots, and made me a closet Atheist.

TO BE CONTINUED.

If you enjoy reading my blogs and what I write or want to make a suggestion about a topic please leave a comment.

Health Information Technology

An explanation of what I am currently going to school for:

Health information technology (HIT) is “the application of information processing involving both computer hardware and software that deals with the storage, retrieval, sharing, and use of health care information, data, and knowledge for communication and decision making”

Health information technology (HIT1) provides the umbrella framework to describe the comprehensive management of health information across computerized systems and its secure exchange between consumers, providers, government and quality entities, and insurers. Health information technology (HIT) is in general increasingly viewed as the most promising tool for improving the overall quality, safety and efficiency of the health delivery system (Chaudhry et al., 2006). Broad and consistent utilization of HIT will:
Improve health care quality or effectiveness;
Increase health care productivity or efficiency;
Prevent medical errors and increase health care accuracy and procedural correctness;
Reduce health care costs;
Increase administrative efficiencies and healthcare work processes;
Decrease paperwork and unproductive or idle work time;
Extend real-time communications of health informatics among health care professionals; and
Expand access to affordable care.

Health information sharing between patients and providers helps to improve diagnosis, promotes self care, and patients also know more information about their health. The use of electronic medical records (EMRs) is still scarce now but is increasing in Canada, American and British primary care. Healthcare information in EMRs are important sources for clinical, research, and policy questions. Health information privacy (HIP) and security has been a big concern for patients and providers. Studies in Europe evaluating electronic health information poses a threat to electronic medical records and exchange of personal information.

Endometriosis

Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop. Fortunately, effective treatments are available.

This information courtesy of the Mayo Clinic.

So why, since I am a male, am I wanting to write about this.....

This female condition is a hard topic for many people and couples to come to terms with. The psychological damage to a woman is huge. The feel useless due to they can in some instances not reproduce and this feeling can destroy a marriage or a relationship. Some women will not come to terms with their condition and the woman will blame the man for them not getting pregnant. I have been in that situation to it lead to alot of fighting and blaming each other and it even got to the point where she was sneaking fertility pills without me knowing. I was fine with adopting and I accepted it. She unfortunately did not. No matter how hard I tried to be a comfort and be an understanding husband she would not accept it that as she put it was "broken". I accepted that she could not naturally have a child due to this. No matter how many visits to her "female doctor" and after a couple of surgeries nothing helped and she still would not accept it. I did not find out about the fertility drugs until a few years after our divorce she had the label for the medicine hid away in a box. To this day I have long since accepted I will never be a natural father since I am now older (36) even if I met a woman that could bear children I would not want to put myself in that position again. Yes it might sound selfish to maybe deny a woman of having a child/another one, but deep down I know that I do not want to ever be in this situation again. It is hard to constantly fight with a woman who is resenting, blaming, and constantly angry at you, the husband, when no matter how hard you try to reason with a woman it is like hitting a brick wall. I have seen some women accept the condition and they are living happy lives with their husband and an adopted child or through a surrogate. 

I do not want any of you my readers to feel sorry for me for not having children. It is something that I have long since accepted that I will not ever be a natural father maybe a step father one day but I am OK with the situation and accepted it. 

A quick not about the author of this blog: I was married for 6.5 years and was divorced in 2008. It was a mutual divorce and it was hard, but that is all behind me now. I have spent the years since trying to rebuild my life and enjoyed being off the radar so to speak. 

"Mortis Angelus" Part two.

So why a pen name on this blog or on a social media site(s)?

Why do most people famous or not use a pen name or fake name. Those people have nothing to hide, right? I have nothing to hide but most people who use a pen name including myself has that over sensitive very judgmental family who frowns or disagrees or threatens to disown you because your opinion does not match with theirs. I come from that kind of family. I have known I was different from my family at a VERY young age. I did not have normal interests you can say. I did not want to play any sports is a perfect example. My best friends growing up was an Atari 2600 and some comic books, later on I got a Nintendo. I had friends growing up until some decisions that were made when I was younger that introduced me to being bullied all of the time and then ignored by the world when I needed help so I hid into myself and in my room for most of my life.

Now that I am older and still very Gothic and still with antisocial tendencies and a hatred of the "human condition". Some people do not understand how in the hell I have survived being in retail/hospitality for so long. I have done it for 20 years, and in all of that time John and Jane Q. Public seem to be getting worse in their sense of entitlement and their sense of "I am going to be just as nasty and rude and make your life a living hell" and they know you can not say a damn thing back to them because they know all they have to do is demand a refund and then they will play the victim and call the corporate complaint line and that in turn can get you fired/suspended/reprimanded and you the poor bastard that has to deal with these people are the true victim but all a corporation sees is money going out the door to another competitor and you the poor bastard that just lost/suspend/coached about your handling of the situation is looked at as a "dime a dozen".

And you the reader who has/has not been in a retail/hospitality job probably does not understand that in that world of business we get treated that way by almost everyone and we do not get paid for what is dealt to us. I feel like I do not make enough for what I put up with in my current job.

For all my reader's I got off topic on this blog I do apologize....

"Mortis Angelus"

"Mortis Angelus"

Latin is a very old language to some it is known as a dead language. Most of the Latin used today is mostly used in naming plants, some elements, medicines, and its biggest use in this day and age is in medical terminology.

So why I am talking about Latin because my "pen name" is Latin loosely translated it means Angel of Death. Why and where did I come up with this oh so lovely and yes it does scare people name. I am a fan of a German Goth Rock group named Lacrimas Profundere and I researched it and there name is in Latin so I googled some Latin words and then I found my "pen name". It just works in case you my readers have not figured it out by now I am Gothic or have a bit of a dark side. Wearing black all of the time saved me the rest of my time in high school before then I was getting bullied and I had heard about being Gothic and my high school had "mourning day" during homecoming week so that is where it began and its been a part of me ever since. Plus I have a love of horror movies and I used to watch the "Addams Family" and "The Munsters" old TV shows that used to come on in reruns when I was growing up. I miss wearing black from head to toe but the extremely hot summers and the mild winters kind of prevent that I do wear my black for special occasions. People in my past have tried to change me and they are no longer in my life. Since I can not wear black all the time like I used to, I have turned to the music and it fills in the empty spaces in my oh so black heart.

So are you the reader still enjoying my "beautiful" chaos.

I did not mention this earlier but if you are a regular reader of this blog you are free to leave a comment on what you read. I do accept logical criticism of my writings/rantings.

"Please Use Other Door,------>"

To my readers who ever you are and where ever you are from my last post got alot of views so I wanted to take a minute and thank you all.

"Please Use Other Door, ----->"

We have all seen this sign at one time or another at a business and sometimes even a home. Most of the time they are at eye level for people to see. They are in my case on 8.5 by 11 white paper with the BIGGEST fucking font open office will let you have and it is in times new roman typeface also with a big ass damn arrow and the door is locked due to the fact that something in it is broken but you can open it from the inside and the fucking sign is on BOTH sides of the broken door. So explain to me why someone of average normal intelligence can not see this fucking sign staring at them and they go out the door when they leave and they pull on it like the fucker is going to open. There is a fucking reason why the sign is there and its so you will not OPEN the broken son of a bitch door. All day today I watched people try to open the door and go out this door and its made me want to scream and they look inside when they can not open the fucker like "what the hell" and the god damn sign is STARING AT THEM IN THE FUCKING FACE. Does people enjoy trying to make an already broken fucking door worse so it will not lock later on in the night and then I might have to "camp out" where I work because you "John and Jane Q. Public" can not see a big ass fucking sign saying please use the other mother fucking door.....

April, 2013

To my readers, in the last blog I made reference to this event so for the one's that are curious about what I am talking about read on....

On Sunday April 14, 2013 I was working the closing shift at my job. The crew that night left a few minutes before me (yes I know mistake). I had set the alarm and had everything locked down nice and tight. Well I went out the door with the alarm beeping about to arm and these four masked men jumped in on me two of which had guns. They demanded the money in the safe and I was trying to stall because I knew that alarm was about to start going off any second. So one of them threatened to shoot me so I very nervously tried to get the safe open. Still trying to stall and still counting the seconds in my head, but unfortunately the damn alarm did not go off after sixty seconds, which I had been informed it would of. So still counting in my head and still trying to get the safe open so I would not eat a bullet, plus my hands were shaking like a leave in a hurricane. After an additional 30 seconds or so and I had started getting the safe open the alarm goes off they run away. So once all is said and done and I am still in one piece and took a little time off because this became the NUMBER ONE scariest event in my life.

Here starts the reason why my family and some of my friends said I need to get another job:

Two or three weeks later the area manager shows up and after the required meeting he wants to have a talk about what had happened. So I was expected to get the whole we the company are glad you are alright but NO. What I got instead was "because of what you have been through we are not going to terminate you for this since we think you have been through enough we don't want to add any more stress.." So basically it was my FAULT that they almost robbed and could have killed me in the process. So I did not get a glad you are OK I had to basically pry that comment out of the area manager and then I also had to pry a "glad they did not get any money from us too". Which is basically all that where I work (like most places) care about is that the money did not leave our fingers. Mind you after it happened I could barely talk I was in tears trembling etc. etc. but they acted like I was like OK robbers come on down I am here alone with a lot of money. Also after this happened where I work will not put cameras in because they see it as an unnecessary expense they can not afford. So I feel like if something had happened to me things would be different and I know all of you are going we are glad you are still here.

So now you all see why I want to leave my job and why I am trying to find another job and finish school. I have been in food/hospitality for a total of 11 years (4 at my current job and 7 at another).

Pondering Life

To those that are keeping up with this blog. I am sorry that I have not written the past few days. School started back this week and just other things have come up.

I know that most of you or all of you would say that I need to be thankful for having a job in these current economic times. I have been told by many that I need to be thankful everyday that I have a job no matter how bad you hate it and that you just have to swallow your pride and just do it. To my readers I am sick of hearing this. Most of the people who tell me this have no clue the war I face everytime I go to work and due to how things are run and the supposed "leader" who is NOT  leading by example, and the higher chain of command who is "blind" to what is going on at my job. I can no longer do it and that is why I cut my hours back since 2011 due to me starting school ( trying to get my life in order) and my dad's heart attack, I also cut back at my job just due to STRESS caused by poor leadership and the "leader" hiring his friends. I have as the saying goes fought the good fight and my mind and body will not let me do it anymore. I have been looking for another job and my stupid ass has let several jobs slip by me or I have tried out for a job and either gotten no answer or just flat out NO. I am considering trying to step down from my position at my job and go back to being a common worker, yes it will be less pay and less stress, but it will get me by until I get done with school and get everything done after I graduate. Or I am pondering finding a job that is not in food/hospitality but the down side to that is the job will be out of town and it might either not pay as much or give me the hours I need to survive. Plus the whole insurance debate (which is another blog).

I simply do not know what to do. My family says find another job or in some cases I should have found another job after what happened in April 2013 (which that is also another subject of another blog).

So after a couple of days of no blog from me.....

WELCOME BACK TO THE CHAOS!!!

Post #2

There is no real title for this post/blog just a random after thought of the first post.

This is just a simple notice that I tend to swear alot. I am not perfect nor am I trying to be. I am doing this whole "blogging" thing because in a way I need an outlet. For those of you that know me, I simply do not have an outlet and furthermore I feel like in my real world that noone really listens or cares to hear about what I have to say. And so that is why everyone in my real life feels like I am a "difficult" person.

So for those of you that wanted a blog from me or at least something creative from me here you go. But welcome to the chaos or beauty (however you the reader sees this), but be warned once your curiousity brings you here, its more difficult to leave.

This is the only warning about all of my future blogs. Plus remember this is my opinion on things I see, read, or deal with in the world.

That is all until next time....

The First Post

The First Post:

It is always the hardest one to do. I am never sure what to say when I try to start blogging again. I gave up doing videos due to my computer not cooperating or I was just scared of all of the changes at Youtube that I did not like. So after thinking about it and wanting to try to be creative something I have not done in awhile. I am going to try this medium to express myself. For those of you that know me I do not express myself in many words either via texting or any other form. So I am going to give this a go again. Hopefully it does not flop like the whole video thing I have tried so many times before.

Topic wise I am going to discuss what is going on in my head (scary thought), whats going on in the world, or if I do not bore you all to do death what my school life is like.

So until the next post,