So as I sit here after another long day at work.I have written 2 blogs and I did not plan to write a third, but I am writing it anyway. For those of you who know me or if you are a regular reader/follower I do not sleep much. I am a nocturnal person. I have also discovered over the years that for some reason I am usually more productive when I am either running on caffeine, or running on anger. Yes I know sleep deprivation is bad for you and running on anger just makes matters worse. I have never really run on any other emotion except for anger or sadness or I just flat out refuse to feel.
I have run on sadness and anger most of my life. Happiness has always been a faked feeling to me. I have always had to force it. When I am on a sad trip or journey whichever you want to call it. I really want to be left alone. And when I was in Middle School and some of High School I ran on sadness to numb how I was feeling at the time. Now running on anger is a whole different story. When I am at that point its basically get the hell out of my way and I can (or used to be) a tyrant to be around. I can only take so much before I fucking explode.
So now why I am writing this after the previous two paragraphs. I am at a cross road again in my life and it is as usual mostly due to my current job. But I do not run on either sadness or anger. I just exist. I guess the fight in me has been killed but once again another job has painted me into a corner, but instead of being angry about it and the "damn it I am going to take it out on everybody". It is more of this I do not care nonchalant feeling. I hate being pushed into a corner again but the only thing that remains from running angry is that little horrible word that no one wants to hear out of my mouth, "REVENGE". I tend to scare people when I am plotting, but this time I want to make people feel like I have felt the past 3 years. Why is it always the good employee who always gets bashed and walked on for something that is or never was there fault. To be honest I just "shut down" after the way I was treated after the robbery attempt. Between that and a "leader" who has not done his job since day one and just neglected the whole situation. So now he thinks he is going to "break me" and/or demote me. I am already broken. I have been broken for awhile, and demoting me is only going to make things worse for others not me. My body is already broken one because of my age (36) and two all of the falling, stress, and just life in general. When you work a job where expectations are just ridiculous and the people you work with are not of that quality of employee then it puts a burden on you and when John and Jane Q. Public suffer from retail entitlement and want to complain about every little damn thing in the world then that adds more pressure and I am just at that point again where I am no longer feeling the job. So once again the job is out to try and destroy me and what little bit of lively hood I have (which that and my self esteem is a big fat 0), and I am already destroyed. I suffer from social anxiety and it has gotten so bad I do not want to leave the house. I used to not be that way but all of what I have survived and been through has just ruined me as a person. My second job I once had proved how big a mess I am. So now I am pondering job wise what I want to do now......
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